


The story I thought I was writing alone in my head.

by HoweverElis



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:21:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26631286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoweverElis/pseuds/HoweverElis
Summary: Through flashbacks, memories and present events, Tobin tells in first person the story of how her feelings developed from the first (second) time they met, through high school, to the last year's prom she is not interested in going to.She might want to change her mind about the last one tho.
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 23
Kudos: 112





	The story I thought I was writing alone in my head.

I'll never forget the first time I saw her. My 3rd grade teacher decided to combine two different classes for the Christmas school play. I was way to young to understand what those feelings were but I’m pretty sure that there was a small, unconscious, unreadable, really tiny part of my brain that knew that no one elses’s smile could have that effect on me. I remember how they made all the kids stand on that little stage and how nervous I was when they put us side by side thanks to our height similarity. She turned around with the prettiest smile I had ever seen and said “Hi, my name’s Christen, what’s your name?”. I still remember the feeling of my cheeks on fire and the way I stuttered when answering the question. I also remember the exact moment she held my hand after the teacher asked all the kids to hold hands and raise them to the sky at the end of the play, hoping it wasn’t weird that my heart was beating out of my chest and my legs were shaking, hoping that she felt it too. I wish I was as clueless as I was then, when I didn’t know that that little moment was engraved just in my memory and not in hers, when I didn’t know that when you’re older and more aware those feelings take your breath away, when I didn’t know how much they could hurt. Instead, here I am, something like ten years later, being a good friend and helping the girl I still have a huge crush on, decide who to go to prom with. How did I managed to get into this mess? Well, I firstly need to explain how did we meet for the first (second) time.

_First day of high school._

  
_“Hey Tobs!” Crystal Dunn screams from the lunch table on the right, making the girl turn around and smile. They met at Biology class just two hours prior, sitting next to each other, but Tobin had an instant good feeling about the girl. She was smiley, funny and she introduced herself right away to Tobin. She made her way to the table that the girl was sharing with other girls._

_“Hi! Can I?” She asked pointing to the empty chair with the hand that wasn’t holding the lunch tray._

_“Of course! Why did you think I called you?” Crystal replied waving her hands around and making Tobin sit with a smile and a shrug. “Girls, this is Tobin, I decided to call her Tobs, we have biology together. Tobs those are Alyssa, Becky and-“_

_“Christen.” She said without thinking, immediately regretting it._

_“Do you know each other?” Crystal asked with raised eyebrows._

_Before Christen could reply, Tobin spoke. “No, I just heard her name when I was walking to the table.” Before they could say anything, she smiled and forced herself to be her funny, normal self. “Nice to meet you all! How do you know each other?”_

_“I went to middle school with Chris and Becky.” She said while biting her sandwich._

_“We met Alyssa in English class.” Becky said and Tobin nodded in response._

_Lunch went on full of stories and laughters to get to know each other. Tobin avoided looking at Christen the all time, needing a day or two to process that the girl was still one of the most beautiful girls Tobin had ever seen and the fact that now they could potentially become friends. Then, when she was standing up from the table, offering to take the girls’ empty trays for them, her eyes met Christen’s and Tobin felt the same feelings she did all those years ago, take control again. Christen was smiling at her, looking pretty and sweet and hot at the same time and Tobin turned around before they could notice her cheeks blushing._

Yes, I know what you’re thinking: What a fucking loser. But I was just starting to have questions about my sexuality and what I liked and the last thing I needed was a reminder of how gorgeous women are. I mean, what could I do? Stay there and stare at her for hours? Because I definitely could have but I couldn’t, right? My first day of high school, when I’m just starting making friends? No way. So yes, me and the girls started hanging out almost every day. We started studying all together, having movie nights and helping each other when needed, becaming close friends in a month or two, bonding over everything that we had in common. Alyss was shy and quiet, an amazing listener and, above all, a soccer fan. So we could spend hours watching soccer matches, in silence and then comment them after, maybe eating some pizza. Becky loved videogames. She was just as competitive as I was, so we would tease each other whenever we could on which one of us was the best player and make the others roll their eyes at our never ending arguments. Crystal was the most energetic, free spirited girl I knew. She could always but a smile on my face and I loved the way we could laugh together and joke in every situation. And then there was Christen. See, I had one little special thing that connected me with each one of them but before I could find something in common with Christen, some months went by. Because in order to bond with someone over something, you should be yourself around them. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do it with Christen, not completely at least. So we would smile at each other and talk about general stuff, I would tease her sometimes and she woulkd tease me back, we even created an handshake together and I would call her ‘Pressy’ when I really wanted to piss her off, but nothing deeper than that. I didn’t know much about her personality and she didn’t know much about mine. I was the funny and light friend for her but she didn’t know how sensitive and thoughtful I could be. Well, until one night.

_Tobin knocked softly on the bathroom door of Becky’s house. They were all having a movie night and she needed to go before the movie started. She didn’t expect a broke voice to come from inside._

_“I-I’m almost done.”_

_“Chris? Are you okay?” Tobin asked surprised._

_“Yes.” She answered with a voice that suggested that she was everything but fine._

_Tobin waited patiently for a few seconds until Christen opened the door and gave her a smile while passing by. The smile looked so normal that if it wasn’t for her red puffy eyes, Tobin would have thought that it was honest. It made Tobin wonder how many times the smile that Christen wore was fake._

_“Hey.” She whispered to Christen, taking gently her wrist before she could go downstairs. “Are you okay?”_

_Christen nodded and shrugged with a smile. Tobin didn’t know if it was her place to push with the questions so she smiled in return and pulled her closer antil she could hug her. Christen fell into the embrace and held Tobin just as tightly. After a few seconds she could feel Christen’s tears on her neck and she started stroking her hair whispering “It’s okay” over and over again. After a moment, they heard the sounds of foot steps getting closer and before the person could make their way up the stairs and see them, Tobin opened the bathroom door behind her and pushed Christen and herself inside, with an arm still around the upset girl._

_“Tobs are you in here?” Becky asked from the other side of the door._

_“Yes Becky, give me 5 minutes. You can start the movie if you want.”_

_“Okay. Did you see Christen?”_

_Tobin looked up at the girl that shook her head with a pleading look. “No.”_

_“Okay, hurry up!”_

_When they heard the girl arriving downstairs and spesaking with the other two faintly, Tobin turned around to look in those beautiful green eyes she often tried to avoid, too afraid to get lost in them. The old girl bit her lip, not knowing what to ask and not wanting to upset the girl even more. “I don’t want you to tell me what’s making you upset if you don’t want to. But… If you do, if you want or need something, I’m here for you at any moment, okay?”_

_Christen swallowed, clearly not expecting the soft tone and words Tobin was using. She nodded, too scared that if she tried to talk, she’d end up crying again._

_Tobin smiled a little wider and held her pinky out. “At any time you’ll need me, I’ll be there.”_

_The childish act made Christen crack a little smile in return while connecting her pinky with Tobin’s._

_Tobin than kissed her own thumb and before moving her finger away she bit Christen’s knuckle, hoping to see her favorite smile bloom on th beautiful girl’s face. She succeeded and when Christen laughed and pulled her hand away, their eyes met again. Tobin had a little smile on her face, her hands shoved inside the front pockets of her jeans, eyes still locked on Christen’s, not daring to look away. Christen wanted to thank her but every time she tried to speak, the words died on her tongue or her mouth closed, automatically stopping the from coming out. The older girl understood perfectly what that felt like, so she just shook her head and opened her arms wide, inviting Christen in if she wanted to. The green eyed girl didn’t waste a second before she was crashing in her arms, face hidden in her neck and arms strong around her waist. Tobin was sure that she could stay like that forever._

  
That same night, when movie night came to an end, and everyone was home, Christen called me. It was almost midnight and we kept talking at the phone for hours until we fell asleep together without hanging up. And just like that, everything started changing and I found out that Christen and me had the same passion about making sure that every person around us is comfortable and happy, even if it means we aren’t. From that day on, it was like the last piece of the puzzle completed the picture. I wouldn’t say that I always knew how Christen could potentially turn my life upside down, okay? But everytime I’d look at her laughing with our friends, or studying with her adorable focused face on, or rumbling about what was giving her an hard time, I knew that I wanted her. I wanted to be with her every minute of every day. I wanted to help her through hard times and protect her from getting hurt. I wanted to put a smile on her face whenever chance I got and listen to her talk, even if I hated what she was saying, even if it was hurting me listening to her talk about someone else’s smile… Hopeless, right? Anyway our friendship grew and so did my crush, so I wasn’t surprised at all when at the end of sophomore year the others started noticing.

  
_“Okay, I need a snack. Do you guys want something?” Christen asked at the other four girls while standing up from the library table._

_“Uh, maybe one of those chocolate bar things? They’re so good and I need A LOT of sugar because all this math is killing me.” Crystal said._

_“Maybe an Iced tea?” Becky asks while Alyssa and Tobin keep reading without even acknowledge the question._

_Christen nodded. “Alyss?”_

_“No, I’m good thanks.”_

_“Tobin?”_

_“What?” The girl asked finally looking up at Christen that rolled her eyes and repeated the question._

_“I’m going to the cafeteria, do you want something?”_

_“Mh… No, thanks.”_

_“What? You’re always hungry.” Her friend said with a teasing tone._

_“I know but I can’t understand anything and I have a test in, like, three days. I feel sick.” Tobin says with a sad tone and a sigh._

_Christen saw at her defeated look and got closer, putting a hand on her shoulder and smiling when their eyes met. “How about I get you some skittles and I’ll help you out when I come back?”_

_“But what about your homework?”_

_“I’m almost done.”_

_Tobin nodded mumbling a shy ‘thank you’ before staring with a soft smile at the girl while she walked out of the library. Christen is an angel, she thought, she has to be because she’s kind and sweet and smart and beautiful and perfect and—_

_“Stop staring at her!” Becky said throwing a piece of rolled paper at her._

_Tobin immediately looked up at her and her smile fell while she started blushing. “I wasn’t staring.”_

_“Sure, you weren’t. You aren’t so subtle, Tobs.” Alyssa said shrugging._

_“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Tobin said picking up a pen and starting to read again, hoping the conversation was over but of course she wasn’t that lucky._

_“We’re talking about your heart eyes and your huge crush on Chris.” Crystal said rolling her eyes._

_“I-I don’t have a crush on her! We’re friends and she’s, she’s a good friend and that’s it.” Tobin said trying to control her heart beat._

_“Yes but you want more. I think you should go for it actually, you’d make the cutest couple!” Becky said smiling with the other two nodding along._

_Tobin sighed and scratched the back of her neck awkwardly “O-okay, I might have a tiny crush on Christen, but we’re friends and you guys have to promise not to tell her anything.”_

_“Tobs we would never do that.” Alyssa said at the same time Crystal scoffed whispering “tiny”._

_Before Tobin could say something back Christen set down at the table. After giving Becky and Crystal their stuff, she put the hot chocolate in front of Tobin and got closer with her chair. Tobin looked up at her and swallowed._

_“Ready?” Christen asked with a smile, receiving a nod from Tobin that couldn’t talk properly in the moment._

_Before looking at the page in front of her, her eyes met Crystal that raised her eyes and whispered “tiny, huh?”_

_And Tobin looked away blushing, too concerned with Christen’s closeness to say anything back._

And that’s also why I shouldn’t be surprised by the soft look Becky is giving me after hearing Christen say “Tobs is helping me chose who to go to prom with!“. I just shrug and smile back. I’m used to this by now. I mean, Christen is probably the most beautiful girl in our entire high school, of course people are asking her to prom. People that are not her friends and that actually have a chance of her saying yes. People that are good looking and smart and charming and all this dumb shit I’m not. 

“So who are you going with?” She’s asking me now.

I scoff and shake my head when I reply. “No one. I’m not going.”

“What? Why?”

“I hate dances, I’m too shy to ask anyone and honestly I have no reason to go.”

“But we are all going!” Crystal almost screams with wide eyes. 

“Yeah, well, I’m happy for you! You’ll send me pics, right?”

“You can’t miss prom, you should com—”

I stand up before Becky can finish the sentence because I’m tired and they don’t get it. I’m avoiding their worried looks when I say “I have to grab something from my locker. Later!” before walking away. They don’t know how it feels. They’re going to prom with their boyfriends and I don’t want that. Even if I know that there will be some gay couples, even if I know that Christen is gay as well, they are… okay. They are interested in someone or at least interested at the idea of someone. I’m not interested in anyone and the only girl I see, is going with someone else. Even if I do end up going with a random girl (which I’m not), I’m going to feel uncomfortable and out of place the entire time. What do you even wear to prom? I hate dresses. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I think I’m not going to class either, I’ll just walk home and maybe watch some TV with Alyssa tonight. See, I’m a good friend to Christen. I know I am and I’m good at it. And she’s a good friend as well. We have a good, healthy friendship, right? But there are those moments. Those little moments that sometimes make me think that maybe she feels it too. This… pull between us. Like this one time… 

_They were all dancing, jumping and laughing in the middle of someone’s living room, moving around with other sweaty bodies of students they often saw but didn’t know. They didn’t know who’s house was that but the party was fun so they didn’t care enough to ask._

_“It’s to hot in here.” Christen screamed loudly, so Tobin would hear her words over the music._

_“Yeah, I know.” She replied, keeping dancing with a bright smile._

_After a few seconds Christen got closer and put a hand on Tobin’s shoulder to lean over and say in her ear “I’m going outside for a while, come with me?”_

_Even if they were in the middle of a room full of teenagers moving to the rhythm, Tobin couldn’t see anyone else when Christen was this close to her. She swallowed thickly and nodded, not trusting her voice when her heart was beating out of her chest with just a simple action of the younger girl. When she smiled and took her hand to drag her outside, Tobin was pretty sure she was about to fall down before living the room. Christen hand was warm in hers, and even if it wasn’t the first time that Christen did that, taking her hand so naturally, Tobin went a little weak in the knees every single time. They ended up on the balcony of the bedroom on the first floor. They set down on the little balcony floor, with their legs crossed under themselves and looking at the surrounding through the railing._

_“It’s cold.” Christen said hugging herself and moving her hands up and down her arms._

_Tobin snorted and shook her head. “It really isn’t, Chris.”_

_“It is for me.”_

_“You can go back downstairs and dance. I’m pretty sure the heat from those sweaty bodies will keep you warm.” Tobin said with teasing tone, bumping her shoulder with hers._

_“Maybe I brought you up here ‘cause I wanted your heat to keep me warm.” Christen said with a smirk and raised eyebrow._

_And just like that, Tobin didn’t know what to do with herself. She didn’t know if Christen did that because she loved seeing Tobin blush or because it was just fun for her to tease Tobin whenever she got the chance. She was pretty sure that Christen knew that Tobin had a weak spot for her, probably anyone knew because Tobin would do anything for her and much more that she would do for her other friends. Christen was just special, their friendship was special, they were there for each other always and Christen loved Tobin just as much Tobin loved Christen._

_“Oh, um, I mean you could’ve just said it.”_

_“I’m saying it right now.” Christen replied with a shrug._

_“Come here then. “ Tobin said opening her arms so the girl could sit between her legs, with her back pressed on the other front. Christen relaxed with Tobin’s arms around her waist and resting her head on her shoulder._

_“Mh, now it’s nice.”_

_Tobin just nodded and swallowed, closing her eyes tightly, asking herself why she always ended up in those situations with the girl she has an indescribable, undeniable, over exaggerated crush on. They stayed like that for a while, with Christen slowly caressing Tobin’s forearm while looking at the sky together._

_After a few minutes, when Tobin could feel her emotions growing and the tension filling the space, she broke the silence. “Are you still cold? We can go inside if y—”_

_“No, I’m fine. I like it here.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Mh-Mh” Christen nodded, then tuned her head and kissed Tobin’s jaw making the girl’s breath hitch. But before Tobin’s face could start reddening, Christen moved her face a little deeper, until her nose was brushing on her neck. “You smell so nice.” She whispered before turning around and laying her head back down on her shoulder._

_Tobin finally let out a breathe slowly, not wanting the girl in her arms to feel it, and started thinking ‘why is this happening to me? Oh my God, this is making me crazy. It’s so fucking hot out here. Is she doing it on purpose? Like, is she trying to kill me? ‘Cause I swear, I feel like I might explode at any moment, it’s like she’s—'_

_“Tobs?”_

_“Mh? Yeah, sorry. What did you say?”_

_Christen started moving away. “Are you comfortable? Is your shoulder—”_

_But before she could completely detach herself from Tobin, the girl tightened the grip around her waist. “No way, I’ m totally comfortable.”_

_“Okay. Even if you weren’t, I wouldn’t move away.” Christen said._

_Tobin could hear the smile in her voice and started tickling her waist. “Are you sure?”_

_The younger girl laughed and screamed and tried to push Tobin’s hands away. When she couldn’t take it anymore she turned sideways and tickled Tobin’s neck. In the end, they were breathing heavily and laughing, exhausted by the battle. After looking at each other for a few seconds, faces as close as ever, Christen stood up and offered her hand to Tobin. And just like that, they were friends again._

See? Like, I don’t know if I was the only one that felt that painful tension in the air and I never know that. Somehow, we always find a little portion of time to be with each other only, no matter where we are and with who. Well, all this doesn’t really matter because it’s just a crush. Nothing more. A simple, stupid crush that I’ll get over once I go to college. Oh, almost forgot to mention, I fucking won’t because for some rare, fortunate, and unpredictable turn of events, me, Alyssa and Christen are going at the same college. We’re graduating in different things, which I guess is good but still. And it’s not that I don’t want her in my life, believe me there is nothing I want more and I couldn’t even imagine living without her or Alyssa or Julie and Crys. But I guess there’s a part of me that will always wonder if maybe I should have said something, you know? Just asked her if she somehow felt this way about me too. Last year I had a girlfriend for a little bit and then Christen had one too and everytime I’d see them together I couldn’t help but think about the fact that I never once let Christen open the door for herself, that I wouldn’t need her to remind me that she hates olives or elevators or that she likes keeping everything organized and secretly loves junk foods even if she doesn’t want to admit it. Because I already know all that stuff and more. And still I never stop learning about her even after almost four years of friendship. And I know I sound pathetic, okay? I’m just a friend for her and she’s just a friend to me and our friendship is great but at the same time totally different from others friendships and it’s been years and I’m still so into her an-…

“Sweetheart, someone knocked!” My mom screams. 

“I’m going!” God, what’s happening today. When I open the door I’m surprised “Chris? What are you doing here?”

“You seemed upset earlier so I came to check on you.”

“I’m fine.”

“Okay well, I also came to give you something.” She says giving me a box.

“What’s this?”

“Open it.”

“But wh-“

“Just open it!”

“Okay okay. Calm down.” As soon as I see the picture I can’t help but let the biggest smile form on my face. I have never in my life seen a picture that perfect. It’s me and Christen when we were 8, side by side, hand in hand, we are both looking straight with sweet smiles. I have a green jumper on and she has a red one. The picture is clearly cut on us, and just a few other kids are around us but I could recognize us from hundreds of faces. I have wet teary eyes now and when I look up Christen is smiling. “This is our 3rd grade Christmas school play, a week or so after the first time we met.”

“YOU REMEMBER THAT?“ She asks with wide eyes. 

And I’m laughing and nodding when I reply. “Yes. I recognized you as soon as Crystal introduced us the first day of high school. That’s why I already knew your name. I remembered it.”

“Tobin… You never told me that.”

I shrug, not knowing what to reply. I hand it back but she’s shaking her head with the biggest smile on. 

“Turn it around.”

I’m confused but I do what she says, because she’s Christen and I can’t help it. When my eyes land on her handwriting, in the back of the picture, everything is even more confusing. 

**Will you go to prom with me?**

I swallow and I look up but before I can ask her what is happening she is talking. “The only person I want to go to prom with said that she’s to shy to ask anyone, so I thought I’d make the first move.”

No way. 

I-… This doesn’t make any sense. She’s…Christen is asking me…Me? 

No way. 

“Wait…You want to go to prom with me? Why?“

This is not happening, right?

This is crazy. She's-

It’s a joke. 

“You don’t want to?” She asks, and she almost sounds shy for the first time since I know her. 

“Yes! Of course I do, there’s nothing I want more, it’s just-…I mean, Why? Some girls already asked you and I thought y—"

“Because I like you.”

A few silent seconds go by before my brain is able to fully understand those words. “YOU DO? Since when?” I hear myself ask. 

“A while.” She says laughing, probably at my shocked face, or wide eyes or general panic. “I tried to send you hints and wait for too long now.”

This is not happening.

Christen is at my door, asking me to go to prom with her with a picture of us in elementary school,

telling me she likes me.

It’s just… impossible, there is no way.

Right?

Like no way a—

“I-I didn’t know you felt the same.” I try to reason. Almost like I’m justifying myself for never taking this as a possibility. 

“So?” She’s asking biting her lip to contain her smile, looking as beautiful as ever. 

And now that I’m looking at her, 

like really looking at her,

I can see how… 

I can see how big of an idiot I am. So I can’t help but laugh and nod, “Yes. I’ll go to prom with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!  
> I had a lot of fun writing this story and I really hope you enjoyed reading it! I was thinking about writing it from Christen's perspective but I don't know if I will. Should I? This just naturally came up and I wrote it without too much thoughts. Honestly, I just wanted to write something light and sweet!  
> Let me know what you think!  
> I hope you have a nice day! Byeee


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